My biggest flaw is and always has been that my expectations are too high. I expect too much of everything, people, places, events. I almost create memories and feelings in my mind of things that haven’t even happened yet, and when they’re not as good as I hoped or imagined, which they never are, I always take it personally. I create images of people as perfect, when realistically I know no one is, but once I’ve got it firmly planted in my mind that they can do no wrong, when things inevitably don’t go as I’d planned, or people end up acting in ways I hadn’t foreseen, I end up disappointed. Always disappointed. Every single time. It hasn’t got me very far but it’s something I’ve never been able to shake. I wish I could accept people’s flaws and not take them as personal insults. When people do things that I don’t like, I think what I find most upsetting and hurtful is that they’ve shattered the image of perfect that I created for them in my mind rather than whatever they’ve actually done. When things go well for a certain amount of time, I convince myself that they won’t go wrong again which is obviously stupid, but I’ve always thought this way and I’ve always ended up feeling empty when it all comes crashing.
So I got my nipple pierced in Malia hahahah
On my heart I know that nothing in the world would make me happier than a holiday with him. I’ve been dreaming about it for so long. I hope one day all these “one days” come true.
I don’t think it’s normal to miss someone as much as I do right now. I genuinely feel as though there’s half of me missing, like I can’t think straight and I can’t just get on with things. It shows how much I rely on him everyday, which I’ve always known I do, but I don’t think I knew to this extent. He’s managed to find wifi every day just to talk to me at least once a day and that means it all to me, it really does, to know he’s specifically gone to mcdonalds to use their wifi while all of his friends are at the pool. It’s the simple things and that shows me all I need to know really. Last night I couldn’t sleep cos I felt so sick with worry and I felt so lonely, my bed suddenly felt about 50 metres big just cos he wasn’t there alongside me. But this morning I woke up to his messages about how much he misses me, loves me and can’t wait to see me. The day I finally get see him I will be so overwhelmed with love. Just over a week until then. God I wish he was here right now but at the same time I so badly want him to enjoy his holiday and have the time of his life, I hope I do the same when I go away tomorrow. I know it would be pathetic to anyone else but we’ve got used to seeing each other day in day out, spending night after night at mine, practically living with each other half the time, we go off and do our own thing but it’s almost a certainty that at some point of every day we will see each other even if only for 10 minutes, and those minutes truly become the highlight of my day every day. Distance makes the heart grow fonder I guess. I was scared he’d go away and forget all about me but I’m reassured in the way it seems almost the opposite, I feel like he’s gone away and realised how much he needs me. I just hope and pray nothing goes wrong for either one of us cos I don’t think I could cope with that.